at the end of ’23 & start of ’24, i sat here and dedicated myself to to a life of peace- feeling that grief had not had her way with me yet. grief is a mistress. she knows the way to tempt us into the darkness because we have to walk the line to continue to feel the presence of someone we didn’t realize we would have to think about missing. and the second day of ‘24, she returned with the right hook that knocked me off my feet.

i remember i also was battling covid to top off my year of struggles through other issues i’d long avoided.

grief does that to you, though. it makes you see how bad it can feel to lose someone you love in an instant. so i ended the year we lost Tim and Mike begging god for some peace. funny thing about what they say, it’s totally true- god doesn’t hand you baked brownies, you get the eggs for $6 a dozen at the end of the year to finish off the ingredients you need.

and in this year i grew in ways i did not expect and i end this year still trying to find peace and solace when things can be so hurtful- like the death anniversary that is so heavy on my heart today. I can’t even imagine having to face this knowing that it’s almost been a year without a part of my recovery- the woman who always gave of herself to give to others.

and through this year, grief kept reminding me of the missing pieces. the pieces that we have to live without, or at least attempt to put back together ourselves.

but it’s okay because for once in my life i can honestly say that while i get really, really anxious from time to time and try my best to manage myself in a world that will say it’s okay to not be okay but doesn’t really mean it, i have to assume people will communicate with me.

i ended the year knowing that the only person i am accountable for is myself. and i start this year with the same knowing. i’m the only one who can be the change i wish to see in the world.

and i just can’t keep apologizing for being myself, i have to start asking for help and using supports in place, sure, but i will no longer feel responsible for people’s yes’s to me as i will not hold them accountable for my yes’s to them.

i just realized that being who i am in a way that i never have before- showing up with a writing style that has been chomping at the bits to create, i’d like to call graphical poetic memoir. some of which will be posted simply as text in blog platform, such as this bad boy. consider this my entrance into this style before i have my i’s dotted or even capitalized. even though it hurts so bad to let this voice come to the stage as unfiltered and unedited as it is- but this is who i am. an imperfect human with a record of being imperfect.

this is the year i hit 40 and i plan to do so living the life i honestly just need to live. one with a voice that makes sense to me without worry about who’s going to say what and why. it doesn’t matter anymore.

while i work on an actual publication, i hope to use instagram (@clairenicholeandherwords) & my personal facebook for my personal writing and family moments. my family moments will be made “personal” and my writing will be “public” and it will not be a voice of a teacher but of a human who teachers.

not a mother but a human who is a mother.

not a wife but a human who is in love.

not a fill in the blank, but a human who is first.

some of what i say may not resonate with you, that’s great, but i won’t be tolerating any hateful commentary. i will block and delete as necessary, because that’s the thing about social media- there is a very easy way to remove the hate.

peace comes through the lessons i learned from my dear lost humans.

the compassion, the loving memories, the healing recipes, the words i hear in my head from time to time and i have to almost stop in my tracks as though they are right there.

i plan to age with an ease of who i am each day and sometimes that’s going to be inconvenient for the people i love. but that’s the thing i learned about love in my grief. it’s unconditional- but accountable.

i posted a question yesterday morning about the lessons ‘24 taught my friends- and it was great to read through this morning. it encouraged me to share the lessons i learned throughout the course of this year. and the biggest lesson i learned is: you only have today. you only have right now.

ee cummings has always been an inspiration to me, rumi is my current poetry muse, as are so many musicians who encourage me to to voice myself in my way: Halsey, Eminem, Jelly Roll, and a variety of voices that aide and encourage me. i do as best i can using the resources i have available to me, some days they are more boundless than other. i still feel the effects of burnout and the long term health effects of a lifestyle that was never meant for me.

and to be honest, all you young souls feeling that it is too much and too loud and too bright- it’s because it all is. that’s part of the problem. it’s not difficult to be overstimulated in an ungrounded world.

and i ended the year just ever grateful for my grounding force and i’m not supposed to always say these things out loud, but without my husband being the gentle man that he is, i’m not sure where i would be. he’s always the one that makes it okay to keep making the same stupid or childish or silly mistakes because my brain shorts out at times. and make fun of me about that if you want lol, it’s true. previous relationships were not so kind to me.

in 24, i listened to my inner voice, trying to keep it from becoming a cry for help. i learned about myself. i struggled.

but i recovered through some tough things and while sure i have a whole fucking lot to be grateful for, sometimes it’s just so hard to be an unmedicated version of myself that was self medicating to avoid being myself when i always felt like that was a bad thing. and like they say, you can’t just up and move and expect your life to transform, you have to do the work. it’s just geography if you don’t. you have to choose to find and mix the ingredients, choose to bake the brownies – or make the milkshakes i promised to make last night.

while the oddity of the world around us is ever apparent in this weather, right now i pray our community gets some weather for our industries… and if you could all just like support local with cash a little more, i think that would help. coming from a past bartender/ cook/ server that doesn’t have to feel that anxiety but knows what it feels like… we have to at least do that for one another- all outside differences aside, we have to cling to our values now more than ever and what we stand for as a community. we just have a need for that level of support is all.

2024, a poem

the year of recovery

i’m fine- plays all over the radio,

different speakers,

different song titles,

different rhetoric,

yet same message,

songs of recovery,

the voice of hope,

played through the speakers,

(spoken out of the same mouth

that rebukes the persona of

the speaker and the rhetoric of the words),

further confusing their ethos,

making us wonder why they don’t understand

that maybe it’s not about what

the substance is

but about the avoidance of life.

we are not responsible for others,

including how they take us.

being in alignment

is an honest truth,

one that we cannot take for granted,

no matter how easy it is

to tell that little lie-

be sure your sins will find you out

the message comes to a screeching halt

at the forefront of the media

as the systems not in alignment with

what’s good & true.

the rules of the world are being corrupted

*manifest destiny?*

and we continue to see people held accountable

as there is no way keep the facade,

to sweep these things under the rug

anymore.

as we finish the year of recovery,

heading into the 25th year of the this century,

building ladders to the heavens,

serving false gods,

living out of alignment

with the

asynchronous,

symbiotic,

partnership of human

and Mother Earth.

may 2025 bring you

the abundance of energy

(positive or negative)

you surround yourself with.

may it be the year

i’m fine

alchemizes to:

i’m okay (at least).